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PageRank rancour

June 11, 2009 1 comment

I used to have pagerank. That was cool. I like having pagerank ’cause it makes me feel important. And aside from drooling and dribbling on about transmarginal inhibition, what other point is there to a blog than pagerank?
Then my wordpress blog got suspended. Bah Humbug.
I’ll tell you what, google is super quick about indexing the wordpress suspended page when you go into purgatory, but super slow about re-indexing you when you are let out of the 9 gates of hell and sent back into the land of the living.
Not only that, but now I’m back down to a big fat zero PR. Bah. Humbug.
I know PR means squat in terms of traffic. But still. One can’t help feeling a little downtrodden.

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Categories: Disturbed Tags: , ,

Flipping Cynical

January 22, 2009 3 comments

(the cynical look at making money online flipping websites)

So, I’m thinking of flipping a website or two, you know, ’cause it seems like everyone is doing it, and I really hate to be left out making less money online than I should be. Not like I’m really “in” anyway. I mean make money bloggers tend to be pretty clicky and even though I can’t say I’m in the mainstream by any means, it’s obvious my sychophantic rantings about the make money online industry underlie a desperate longing to be an A-list blogger scaming you out of your money with useless product after useless product.

Yes sir! I want it all. Hustle-influenced-Mickey-Bricks-style. Speaking of which, have you been watching Hustle on BBC 1? It’s great isn’t it? I mean I don’t watch a lot of TV, but I’ve got a soft spot for Hustle. Why? Well it is all about the Underdog isn’t it? Some may not like the fact that a TV show glorifies criminals….grifters…..con men, but Mickey Bricks (played by Adrian Lester) is a grifter with a heart. He doesn’t go after the average joe. He targets people who are already bent and so, in a way, he is a modern Robin Hood, righting the wrongs of society….just as I am writing the wrongs of the make money online world (okay that went a little too far, but I couldn’t resist the pun)! Anyway, most of the online money making websites and blogs you find are nothing better than a good old fashioned con. Yes sir! That beautiful sales page that goes on for miles promising untold riches? It’s probably a con. You probably won’t make money following their methods.

Before I go off on another tiradal tangent, let’s get back to the tirade at hand.

Today, I’m going to insult website flippers. I would love to flip a site that isn’t a good old fashioned con. That rare website on sitepoint that would actually make someone some money. I’m sure everyone gets into it with scruples though, and pretty soon they are eroded away when the cash rolls in. So I’ll probably list my site while I’m drunk and in a “fuck the world” kind of mood so I don’t suffer from some sort of guilt induced “here, have it for a fiver + seven quid for the domain name ’cause that’s what it’s really worth” sales listing.

First up when entering a new arena of making money online is research. I’m looking through auction listings on a bunch of sites…..checking out the competition. What sells, what doesn’t…….there are a few things I’ve noticed. It’s pretty appaling what passes for a good niche in the “startup websites” category. There are tons of sites there that just won’t make any money. I’m not the hottest niche finder in the world, but I figure a lot of the people who purchase websites (or at least start up websites) must be amateurs who’ve been sold a pipe dream of easy riches on the internet rather than a marketable niche.

How do I know? Well, follow me down the rabit hole of logic for a minute. Say you find a listing, you like the look of the blog. You like the niche, you think – hey I can make money online with a blog about fishing. After all, I like to fish. It fits in with my personal outlook of retiring early an’ spendin’ mah time down by the river. Chillin.  I’ve got lots to say on the subject. So, your eye is caught and you read on. It’s pretty convincing is the sales spiel. I mean, I’m convinced. This site will make me money! After all, it says the site ranks first for the long-tail phrase  “cunty the sardine”. And further more,it even tells you how to monetise the website you are about to purchase. Yeah? Yeah! It says:

“how to make money from this blog once you’ve purchased it”

(or something similar). And then the magic word that holds the hopes and dreams of every fledgling internet marketer in the world…….

Adsense.

Yes! That’s my ticket to quittin’ the day job. Adsense + Blog = Profit! Simple! I rule! So nice of the site builder to tell me. Dude’s practically handed me money on a plate.

But wait. Ever the cynic, if I were you, I would ask myself (when presented with such convincing deal closing sales speak); “Why isn’t the person hanging on to the site if it is such a hot niche?”. Put it another way. If this site is simply going to sit there, rolling the dough your way, why isn’t the guy who built it hanging on to it?

So then I would go and do a little research. Type in that long tail phrase. What was it again? Oh yes “cunty the sardine”. Type that into google and search baby! Now check to see if anyone is actually bidding on that phrase. Nope? Didn’t think so. If there are no adsense ads on google’s own search results, how the hell do you think you are going to make money with adsense on the site that ranks top for that long tail phrase? It isn’t! So, why is it being sold? Because it is a deadend niche mascarading as a potential goldmine. It is in fact, not a sardine, but a red herring! And I hate herring. Damn those Norwegians and their “cuisine”!

But wait you say, I’ve looked at the actual site and there are adverts being displayed. Oh, say I, but what are those adverts for? hmmm? Read ’em, go on. Are they even related to the blog’s subject matter? Nooooooooo. They are adverts for “how to set up a blog” or general service announcements from google. Do you think people will click those when they are actually looking for a whaling harpoon? Uhhuh. Okaaaaaay, whatever. Good luck.

(You know what else I love at sitepoint? Learning the sales lingo. You know when the listing says  “super duper heavily customised premium theme never to be sold again”. What that actually means is “I changed the background colour on this theme I have, and added a logo that I found on a free image site”. Next time I sell a site, I’ll make the background ochre instead of peach. mwahahahahaha I can make money online with my wordpress theme forever. Still, you gotta talk the talk – I’m gonna use that in my listing so watch out.

Approach those auctions (mine included) with caution. Don’t believe the hype. Many of the sites listed for sale promising instant internet cash probably won’t make you any money at all. It’s all a big con, a big salespitch. And it isn’t even a modern-day-robin-hood-Hustle-like con that catches evil naughty people at their own game. Nope, it’s a con aimed at the average joe or joesette, who is fed up with his or her job, and worried about rising unemployment. The average joe just wants to make a few honest bucks from a website on the side. That’s who you are selling to. Scruples? Hah. Fuck scruples. Fuck ’em to high hell. It’s always easier to justify something when you de-humanise the person on the other end (aside aside aside aside I say….that’s why armies de-humanise the enemy, it makes them easier to kill…why do you think they code name ’em? charlie? gi joe? etc etc). That’s why it’s so easy to be what is essentially a bastard con artist on the internet, because you don’t see the innocent young lady with 2 kids to feed and mortgage that’s fucked up beyond belief because the banks didn’t manage the impossible task of manifesting money out of thin air……

Eh, who am I kidding, you guys doing the buying aren’t reading this. Even if you were, you wouldn’t listen to me, because so many other people sing a different tune. And anyway, who am I to disillusion you, my potential buyer? Go to sitepoint buy buy buy. Because you can make money on the internet buying a website.

How to make more money online

December 31, 2008 2 comments

(or where I imagine what we would do if we were THE search engine)

Imagine we were a search engine. A big one. Well, we started small. We developed a great algorithm. People went crazy with the fantastic, relevant search results we offered. We steadily got traffic. We became big. We became huge! Our algorithm was simple, but fairly well guarded. We became THE search engine. Our noun became verbed. And now we are a household name.

Now we want to make some money. So what do we do? In the time honoured internet fashion, we charge people to advertise. To jump the queue. Oh, we put them in a box above the search results and down the side, claiming it is out of the way. We say that the real results aren’t being affected. I mean look, we even put these paid for links in a highlighted yellow box. That will make it obvious that they aren’t the most relevant results. That will make it obvious that those positions have been paid for. (aside dear reader: I bet people who are not so internet savvy, like your grandma, hit up those pretty yellow boxed links pretty often, believing them to be the most relevant. I mean, they are highlighted after all, those search results must be the BEST!). Now we start to make some money online.

We’ve started to make some serious money online now, because people obviously want to be at the top of the most relevant search results in the world, don’t they? Of course they do! So they pay for it. Keep that algorithm secret now, we don’t want other search engines stealing it! Serious online cash is what we are making. But you want more. Everyone who makes money online wants to make more money online. So we come up with a cunning plan……we decide to act as a self appointed middle man. We offer our customers a way to increase their advertising “spread”, increase their visibility, by allowing other websites to host our adverts. Don’t worry, we will chose the most relevant adverts to display on the websites based on content. So now, the guy, who by hook or by crook or by pure bloody luck managed to get his website to the top of the search results can display adverts without having to deal with third parties. He doesn’t have to negotiate rates or bill the company that wants to advertise on his site, he can pass the responsibility off to the trusted SEARCH ENGINE – aren’t we nice, aren’t we kind, aren’t we offering people a nice residual income? (aren’t we making more money online than everyone else put together). Win win you say. Well win for us, THE search engine. We start to make even more money online now because the adverts start getting displayed more and more, on more and more websites. Competition for keywords go up, prices go up, clicks go up, because if your internet-savvy gandma managed by luck not to click on the pretty yellow highlighted results the first time and rather went to the dull blue on white top of the pile result, she will probably be hit with the same advert again and eventually, if enough grandmothers hit up that site, some of them are bound to clicky on our adverts!.

Damn, us search engine guys are smart. Damn we are making more money online than you can imagine. But it isn’t enough is it? Money is power isn’t it? Of course it is! OF COURSE IT IS(just in case you doubted it the first time – don’t make me bludgeon it into your head with bold and super sized letters now you cynical swine)! What to do. Oh what to do. How can we milk this little cash cow we have created? How can we make more money online?

I’ve got it! I have an idea. Now that we put adverts on other people’s sites, we’ve created a nice little incentive to be top of the pile haven’t we? Yes we have. Let’s start selling methods for getting to the top of the pile. Great idea! But wait, we need to protect our integrity, so we can’t sell as ourselves. That’s ok, we can just pretend to be other people. People who have “cracked” the system. And you know what? We can just jiggle the results so we erm I mean “they” come out on top for things like “how to make money online” or “how to beat the biggest search engine in the world” or “cracking the search engine rankings”. Ooooooo. What an evil plan.

So now we are making money online selling advertising space on our website….and on websites all over the world that we don’t even own (look how cunning – we aren’t paying anyone to advertise on their websites – our customers are paying our suppliers – oh we are so fucking clever it hurts). But we’ve created a little industry. An economy almost, and everyone wants that top spot because more people visit it. And more visitors mean hook or by crook guy gets more money from the ads that he has allowed us to place on his website. And now we are selling the way to get the top spot, incognito like…..like the Kurgen baby! Yes we are! We are making more money online than ever before. Damn we are clever little online money makers.

Quarterly reports roll by and sales are slipping. This is no good, we must stimulate our little economy. We must inject some life into our industry. I know. I have another cunning plan. And it doesn’t involve “the Black Russian” which always terrifies the clergy. Let’s pretend to change our algorithm. Shake things up a bit. O brilliant! Now we’ve created more demand. We have to sell version 2 of all those “get to the top of the search engine pile” books and vids. Mwahahahahaha we will make more money online than ever before.

We will be wealthy beyond our wildest dreams. Wait, we are!

I could do this forever. Wait. I think I will.

This light piece of internet humour has been brought to you by the commissariat of underdog cynisism.

Categories: Disturbed, Flotsam

The best free way to easy make money online

September 30, 2008 Leave a comment

(or where I tell you why every internet marketer should fall in love with blogger.com)

As an internet stallwart, you don’t get much better than blogger.  Floating around the net for many years, it spawned a revolution in the way we approach site building.  It’s also one of the best practical resources you will ever find.  We have a practically unlimited resource at our fingertips to test out campaigns for free.  The bain of every internet marketer’s life is doing keyword research, purchasing a domain and then finding that after a while, the funds just don’t roll in.  Blogger lets you test your stuff out before splashing out on a domain.  It’s freeeeeeeee.  freeeeeeee free!  And I like free resources.  So should you.  What can be better than getting paid without operating costs?  Nothing!  free blogger blogs can be set up in a matter of minutes and you can whip up pages on any topic you like….

(ahh fuck it.  If you’ve read this far, I’m not going to carry on with this boring old post – why write for the sake of it?  why read for the sake of it?  it isn’t worth your time.  It isn’t worth my time.  I was going to write a very different post today, but I thought “noo, I can’t write that….what will people think of me”, so I thought “what should I write about”…..so I thought “I know, I’ll write about how to test ideas out with blogger….much more mundane, much safer, much less likely to offend”.  Fuck it.  I’m going to drop you a lesson in human psychology.  And some of you will be offended.  Some of you will never read my blog again after this.  Some of you will though.  Twisted bunch…the lot of you. 🙂

Copy.  Content.  Articles.  That’s what we all need for our sites right?  Writing articles is a pain in the bum-bum.  Writing quality articles is even more of a pain.  But articles are mandatory for any niche endevour.  I mean it’s almost a formula now – find niche, start blog, write blog content, write articles, submit articles to article websites, get rank, get arganic search results, get traffic, get money.  The only thing stopping me or you from having the largest blog empire on the plannet is our ability to churn out words.  Sollutions are around – you can purchase yourself an article writing product……you could Tim Ferris it and outsource your article writing to someone else…..or a team of someone elses…….you could get yourself a research license and sit a bunch of monkeys in front of a bunch of computers and wait until they bang out some Shakespeare for you.  All of these cost money.  Well the monkeys cost bananas I suppose, but still, bananas cost money, and given that you have to wait infinite amount of time for said shakespearean missive, you’re gonna need some big venture capital for this puppy.  Anyone know a venture capitalist that would actually entertain such an experiment?  No?  Damn!  I know, I know – it’s the cost of those damn monkey experiment licenses isn’t it?  I knew it.  You mean to say they are more usefull in experimental cancer and AIDS drug research?  Oh.   Ok.  Fair enough.  I suppose world health is more important than my bank ballance.

Nonononononono.  Is there an easier way?  Could you get a bunch of people to write for you, for free?  I think so.  I rekon Avon Blake is gonna get that.  Heck, I’m even thinking about writing for his project.  I don’t know if he is planning to monetise his invasionofthezlistbloggers blog, but I think there will be enough people writing content on it for it to get good organic traffic…..could be a gold mine for him.  See you can get people to write for you for free.  I’m tangenting again.  Back we come to the circle.  Ok.  If you are squeamish, or have high morals, look away now.  If you don’t like anything that borders on the risque, or if you are one of those prudes who doesn’t think the “adult” internet exists, browse away.  I mean it, what I’m about to write is pretty shady, pretty much underbelly of marketing and it ventures a little bit into an adult oriented market.  Ok, it ventures a lot into it.  It takes advantage of people no doubt.  But in a way, it offers something back to them.  Before we go on, I must say, I don’t do this.  I thought up the idea when I was drunk one night, after reading too many blogs about making easy money online.  Then, I ran an experiment to see if it actually works.  And it did.  I had several people writing me reasonable quality articles on any subject I chose, for free.  And then my damn morals got in the way.  Seems I’m not a total bastard.  Still maybe someone out there can use the technique, and what the hell, every blog needs to have one decent (or in this case indecent) free tip on it right?  Right!  This is mine.   I don’t know if anybody else has attempted this – I would be extremely surprised if I were the only one to think of it…….

Still here?  Not going to be offended?  Don’t say I didn’t warn you – I don’t want to hear about how evil this is or how immoral it is because you may as well direct that shit to every marketer out there – if you think you don’t have psychology used on you on a daily basis on TV, radio, internet, billboard advertising, you dellude  yourself.  Last chance to go………..Ok……..There is a scene in which people indulge in what might be called submissive behaviour.  To these individuals, there is nothing they like more than serving someone else.  It’s often sexual.  But it isn’t always about sex.  Now say, for argument’s sake, someone were to create a persona, as we all do if we market a product.  Split their personality to create a dominant alter ego.  Say this alter ego used some message boards and free ad facilities or even dating websites to post an ad.  Say the ad clearly states that what is being sought is an online BDSM relationship with themselves as the top.  Say they get a response.  Say that after a few emails, it is agreed upon that the form of submission is to research and write about whatever dominant alter ego asks for.  Say non-dominant side agrees.  Saaaaaay……you’ve got yourself one monkey.  No need for infinity or bananas.  Rinse, repeat.  Get two monkeys.  Rinse, repeat.  Get three monkeys.  The monkeys are endless.  The monkeys are in fact infinity.

Now imagine if your alter ego were a dominatrix.  Do you know how many responses you get from men if you are female and post an advert that is even vaguely kinky…..even if you explicitly point out there will be no sex, no meetings, no phone calls, no webcams, only email?  Lemme tell you, it ain’t pretty.  Not that I’ve tried pretending to be female online or anything just for the purposes of an experiment into the human psyche.  Naaaa, I got my sister to do it :-0

Now lets not kid.  This is exploitative.   And it borders on disturbed.  But the BDSM sector of society is there;  not that it’s any of your business but I’m not a part of it……though any lovely looking internet-savvy young ladies feel free to contact me with offers of obedience – it does my ego good you know ;).  And I did warn you.  And this does work.  And you could have a blog empire in no time with some carefully chosen and targetted adverts.   And you heard it here first.  And I’m too nice a guy to do it myself.

And that’s the best tip you will read on how to make easy money online on the internet today!)

…..and that’s why I love blogger 🙂