(or where I imagine what we would do if we were THE search engine)
Imagine we were a search engine. A big one. Well, we started small. We developed a great algorithm. People went crazy with the fantastic, relevant search results we offered. We steadily got traffic. We became big. We became huge! Our algorithm was simple, but fairly well guarded. We became THE search engine. Our noun became verbed. And now we are a household name.
Now we want to make some money. So what do we do? In the time honoured internet fashion, we charge people to advertise. To jump the queue. Oh, we put them in a box above the search results and down the side, claiming it is out of the way. We say that the real results aren’t being affected. I mean look, we even put these paid for links in a highlighted yellow box. That will make it obvious that they aren’t the most relevant results. That will make it obvious that those positions have been paid for. (aside dear reader: I bet people who are not so internet savvy, like your grandma, hit up those pretty yellow boxed links pretty often, believing them to be the most relevant. I mean, they are highlighted after all, those search results must be the BEST!). Now we start to make some money online.
We’ve started to make some serious money online now, because people obviously want to be at the top of the most relevant search results in the world, don’t they? Of course they do! So they pay for it. Keep that algorithm secret now, we don’t want other search engines stealing it! Serious online cash is what we are making. But you want more. Everyone who makes money online wants to make more money online. So we come up with a cunning plan……we decide to act as a self appointed middle man. We offer our customers a way to increase their advertising “spread”, increase their visibility, by allowing other websites to host our adverts. Don’t worry, we will chose the most relevant adverts to display on the websites based on content. So now, the guy, who by hook or by crook or by pure bloody luck managed to get his website to the top of the search results can display adverts without having to deal with third parties. He doesn’t have to negotiate rates or bill the company that wants to advertise on his site, he can pass the responsibility off to the trusted SEARCH ENGINE – aren’t we nice, aren’t we kind, aren’t we offering people a nice residual income? (aren’t we making more money online than everyone else put together). Win win you say. Well win for us, THE search engine. We start to make even more money online now because the adverts start getting displayed more and more, on more and more websites. Competition for keywords go up, prices go up, clicks go up, because if your internet-savvy gandma managed by luck not to click on the pretty yellow highlighted results the first time and rather went to the dull blue on white top of the pile result, she will probably be hit with the same advert again and eventually, if enough grandmothers hit up that site, some of them are bound to clicky on our adverts!.
Damn, us search engine guys are smart. Damn we are making more money online than you can imagine. But it isn’t enough is it? Money is power isn’t it? Of course it is! OF COURSE IT IS(just in case you doubted it the first time – don’t make me bludgeon it into your head with bold and super sized letters now you cynical swine)! What to do. Oh what to do. How can we milk this little cash cow we have created? How can we make more money online?
I’ve got it! I have an idea. Now that we put adverts on other people’s sites, we’ve created a nice little incentive to be top of the pile haven’t we? Yes we have. Let’s start selling methods for getting to the top of the pile. Great idea! But wait, we need to protect our integrity, so we can’t sell as ourselves. That’s ok, we can just pretend to be other people. People who have “cracked” the system. And you know what? We can just jiggle the results so we erm I mean “they” come out on top for things like “how to make money online” or “how to beat the biggest search engine in the world” or “cracking the search engine rankings”. Ooooooo. What an evil plan.
So now we are making money online selling advertising space on our website….and on websites all over the world that we don’t even own (look how cunning – we aren’t paying anyone to advertise on their websites – our customers are paying our suppliers – oh we are so fucking clever it hurts). But we’ve created a little industry. An economy almost, and everyone wants that top spot because more people visit it. And more visitors mean hook or by crook guy gets more money from the ads that he has allowed us to place on his website. And now we are selling the way to get the top spot, incognito like…..like the Kurgen baby! Yes we are! We are making more money online than ever before. Damn we are clever little online money makers.
Quarterly reports roll by and sales are slipping. This is no good, we must stimulate our little economy. We must inject some life into our industry. I know. I have another cunning plan. And it doesn’t involve “the Black Russian” which always terrifies the clergy. Let’s pretend to change our algorithm. Shake things up a bit. O brilliant! Now we’ve created more demand. We have to sell version 2 of all those “get to the top of the search engine pile” books and vids. Mwahahahahaha we will make more money online than ever before.
We will be wealthy beyond our wildest dreams. Wait, we are!
I could do this forever. Wait. I think I will.
This light piece of internet humour has been brought to you by the commissariat of underdog cynisism.
(or how to make money from firefox plugins for the self-hating internet marketer)
(or in fact, what your grandma doesn’t know about internet marketing part II)
You have become a self-hating internet marketer and to alleviate the oppressive guilt, you need a way to get yourself banned from your affiliate program don’t you? Well, you’ve come to the right place. This one is in the key of Gm. Watch me for the chord changes, and try to keep up.
I know what you’re thinking you big-shot successful internet marketer. You’re thinking
Brrrrrrrr It’s cold out there and I’m feeling guilty about all those people I eagerly directed into buying a diet product that I know nothing about, have not used and indeed do not need. How can I pay back some of the karmic debt I have incurred upon my wretched soul?
Fear not my child, for I offer absolution. A way in which you can and will eventually get banned from your affiliate program. “Only if they find out”, you cry as you continue on your quest to make money with little traffic. But I know you want to get caught. All criminal do. Once you have this up and running you will inevitably use one of your other internet identities to report yourself in a bizarre Tyler-Durden-like-you-hit-me-in-the-ear twist. And so I say, pull up your rosary beads and write yourself a firefox plugin. What the software does “front of house” is irrelevant. All that you really need is for it to be downloaded. A Lot (yes it is two words!!). So maybe you do a page 3 girl of the day thumbnail that would sit in the top corner of firefox instead of the little whirly circle that tells you when you are loading a page. Now listen closely. Here is the devil in your ear. You code up that plugin so that every time someone visits amazon or other affiliate of your choice using the now infected firefox, you stuff their cookie* with your affiliate code, or rewrite the url dynamically to use your aff code. (I’ve not looked into writing firefox extensions, but I imagine you could do this – someone correct me if I’m wrong?)
The evil plan unfolds as all those horny little desk jockeys who think they are bucking the system and shoving it to the man by looking at page 3 girls embedded in their browser’s skin while they are at work now earn you a tidy piece of pie when they order from amazon. And they are bound to order from amazon at some point. O yes they are. But you won’t stop there will you? You are an evil internet marketing whore and you want more.
You have no scruples. You are the kind of marketer who would sell your own grandma’s cookies if you could only get her to bloody well bake them up, the lazy cow. So you infiltrate your family and friends’ computers with this nasty little piece of code under the guise of
“oh, I’m a computer geek, why don’t I tune your computer for you….you know give it a defrag, speed up your browsing, fix the old flux capacitor.”
“Nonono don’t worry, I love doing it…….(mwahahaha f’ing simpletons)……”
“Eh? Wassat you say? O, no nothing, Um I said I would love a cup of tea, ta very much. Hey…..have you seen amazon’s new christmas home page?”.
The evil is more insidious because the first time you walk the path of no-scruples, it erodes the little scrupulous cogs in your mind that would act as a brake just a little. Every time you perpetuate a little online wrong doing, the cogs get ground down a little more until they no longer touch and cannot brake the evil internet marketing monkey in your head who can spin his wheels as fast as he likes. And spin he does. As fast as his monkey legs can pedal. The voices come so fast now, you almost can’t type the ideas down fast enough. So you buy a bunch of usb keys on the cheap and you make a custom firefox install which you autorun on the usb keys. Then one day, while you are out shopping, you just happen to drop a bunch of them in the parking lot by accident. O what tired and weary christmas shopper can resist the lure of free storage as they sneakily pretend to tie their yowling snot faced younger-one’s shoelace and pocket the scattered treasure? And how many of them have disabled autorun?
The moral of the story is……be careful what plugins you install.
* Let us teach grandma about affiliate codes. An affiliate is simply someone who earns commission for recommending a product. A middle man if you like. How do they do this? Well say you click a link on my website that takes you to amazon. That link has information stored in it. One of those pieces of information is an affiliate id which is the tracking code which will tell amazon that I referred you to them. If you purchase something from amazon through my link, I get a percentage of the sale.
Wow you say. My nan never knew that!
It gets more interesting because most affiliate links include a time period so anytime you purchase anything from amazon for x days after you’ve clicked my link, I still get commission.
Wow you say, My nan definitely never knew that! How do they do it?
So now the moral of this story is twofold. Be careful what extensions and plugins you install, and be careful what links you click.
See a tinyurl link? You think it is there simply for your convenience so you don’t have to see a long-ass url? Ha! The cunning and suspicious among you will immediately think “affiliate link”. So, why would anyone click an affiliate link? Well, many people don’t know what they are and are oblivious to the fact that such things exist. I’m sure at some point in my browsing history, I’ve inadvertently scored an internet marketer some commission. Some people do know what affiliate links are though (like your nan for instance because she has read this brilliant scree on what your grandma doesn’t know about internet marketing) and they chose to click anyway, to reward the website owner, you know because they appreciate the rather eloquent writing and all.
Now go tell your nan all about affiliate links and plugins. And if she doesn’t understand, well I’m happy to come round and explain it to her while I give her computer a tune up……..ooh a cup of tea? yes please! ta very much.
“down mighty internet marketing devil”
(or where I divulge my disgust at NOT FLUSHING!)
Oh, I know I’m fond of my analogies, and what better analogy for the whole slimy industry of internet marketing and make money online entrepreneurs who try to hustle a buck online than the unmentionable, unspeakable business of sewage.
My analogy engine is a bit rusty today, so I’m going to take a few minutes out of my busy schedule of informing the world at large how to make money online for free and discourse on flushing the toilet.
Yes. Flushing the toilet.
See, my day job has me working in a building. It’s not too big, but big enough for there to be more people than I can count on the fingers of my hands. Okay so it would take rather a lot of carbon cloned copies of me to count all the people in the building on the fingers of our collective hands….even if me and my copies had 6 fingers ala Hound Dog Taylor. Now the thing is, I really don’t understand why when you reach a critical mass of people, they start treating the sanitary facilities as some sort of shithole. I realise with a fair throughput of people that toilets can take a bit of a battering, but geez, why on earth would you purposefully treat it like some dark alleyway that you’ve drunkenly wandered into late one night (or in fact early one morning) to soil with your excrement? Why?
I’ve worked at smaller offices, with fewer people, and the toilets there are usually held with an amount of respect. People don’t randomly pee on the floor or “forget” to turn off the taps when everyone knows everyone else by name. There must be something in anonymity that makes people behave like asshalves.
Seriously, something about having more people than you know by name in a building makes the toilets fair game for people being on their worst behaviour. And it isn’t cool. It isn’t cool to wonder into a cubicle, drop a huge diarrhetic poo and then steal away without flushing!!!
I’m not kidding. What the fuck? Man! Not like it was an isolated incident either. This happens regularly. It really is disgusting. Not to mention rude. Nobody would do that in someone else’s house. I mean nobody. What, are you afraid you’re going to contract some sort of disease from the handle? I don’t know, I just don’t know. Maybe you should take a look at your diet as well. It’s not normal to excrete like that on a regular basis. Soft stools can be an indication of something seriously wrong with you. Go to the doctor…..or at the very least, eat a truckload of matzos to help constipate you up a little and save us having to witness the inner contents of your malfunctioning bowels.
I don’t know how they train dogs these days, but I remember when I was growing up that one method of house training the little pups was to rub their nose in their “business” if they happened to have an accident in the house. I don’t condone that sort of thing on animals, but among the more (theoretically) evolved animals (i.e. humans), I think a little nose in the shit would really solve a lot of problems in society. While I’m on the subject, guys, I know it can be a minor matter of ego, but the one time you really want to be a realist is when you are taking a leak. You were not endowed with a nine foot monster. If you were, you wouldn’t be working here, because sure as hell porn pays better. So stand close enough to the toilet that you actually get your urine in the bowl and not on the floor. Contrary to popular belief, there is no webcam in the loo that the ladies use to scope out their next shag based on how far from the toilet he stands. Seriously.
When the water-born sanitation goes up the spout, western civilisation will lose it. Big time.
(of the underdogblogger charity online thingamabob)
So in October I posted that I would donate all the money I made from my adsense “empire” in October and November to Care for the Wild. Well the time has come and gone and the profits have been tallied. Yes, we reached a grand total of $39.36. Which means that I’m now making something like 60 cents everyday from a blog (which I haven’t updated in about 6 months). So that’s roughly £27 in real British money! Why so low you ask? Well for one – I’m crap at link building clearly. On the other hand, back when I started the charity challenge I was getting about 50 cents a day, so profits are up 🙂 woohoooo
Anyway, several of you decided to join in and promised some money to a charity of your choice. Time to pony up guys – those of you who did join in got liked up on my charity challenge page.
Thanks to everyone who did this. It is a good thing. Especially around Christmas time. If you didn’t join in, donate a little time or money to a charity near you – if you like people, then give a little something to a homeless shelter or something – Christmas can be a tough time for people with nothing, and a little bit of food or a blanket or something goes a long way. Besides, you really don’t need that USB microscope from firebox this christmas…..put the money to better use.
As I said, my money goes to Care for the Wild. What can I say, I like tigers – I already sponsor them, but I think the cute little fellows could do with a little extra turkey this christmas. Hopefully next year this time, I’ll be making a little more out of my blogging efforts and maybe the tigers at CFW can get 2 turkeys 🙂
Eat up guys…….turkeys are grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreaat!