(or where I imagine what we would do if we were THE search engine)
Imagine we were a search engine. A big one. Well, we started small. We developed a great algorithm. People went crazy with the fantastic, relevant search results we offered. We steadily got traffic. We became big. We became huge! Our algorithm was simple, but fairly well guarded. We became THE search engine. Our noun became verbed. And now we are a household name.
Now we want to make some money. So what do we do? In the time honoured internet fashion, we charge people to advertise. To jump the queue. Oh, we put them in a box above the search results and down the side, claiming it is out of the way. We say that the real results aren’t being affected. I mean look, we even put these paid for links in a highlighted yellow box. That will make it obvious that they aren’t the most relevant results. That will make it obvious that those positions have been paid for. (aside dear reader: I bet people who are not so internet savvy, like your grandma, hit up those pretty yellow boxed links pretty often, believing them to be the most relevant. I mean, they are highlighted after all, those search results must be the BEST!). Now we start to make some money online.
We’ve started to make some serious money online now, because people obviously want to be at the top of the most relevant search results in the world, don’t they? Of course they do! So they pay for it. Keep that algorithm secret now, we don’t want other search engines stealing it! Serious online cash is what we are making. But you want more. Everyone who makes money online wants to make more money online. So we come up with a cunning plan……we decide to act as a self appointed middle man. We offer our customers a way to increase their advertising “spread”, increase their visibility, by allowing other websites to host our adverts. Don’t worry, we will chose the most relevant adverts to display on the websites based on content. So now, the guy, who by hook or by crook or by pure bloody luck managed to get his website to the top of the search results can display adverts without having to deal with third parties. He doesn’t have to negotiate rates or bill the company that wants to advertise on his site, he can pass the responsibility off to the trusted SEARCH ENGINE – aren’t we nice, aren’t we kind, aren’t we offering people a nice residual income? (aren’t we making more money online than everyone else put together). Win win you say. Well win for us, THE search engine. We start to make even more money online now because the adverts start getting displayed more and more, on more and more websites. Competition for keywords go up, prices go up, clicks go up, because if your internet-savvy gandma managed by luck not to click on the pretty yellow highlighted results the first time and rather went to the dull blue on white top of the pile result, she will probably be hit with the same advert again and eventually, if enough grandmothers hit up that site, some of them are bound to clicky on our adverts!.
Damn, us search engine guys are smart. Damn we are making more money online than you can imagine. But it isn’t enough is it? Money is power isn’t it? Of course it is! OF COURSE IT IS(just in case you doubted it the first time – don’t make me bludgeon it into your head with bold and super sized letters now you cynical swine)! What to do. Oh what to do. How can we milk this little cash cow we have created? How can we make more money online?
I’ve got it! I have an idea. Now that we put adverts on other people’s sites, we’ve created a nice little incentive to be top of the pile haven’t we? Yes we have. Let’s start selling methods for getting to the top of the pile. Great idea! But wait, we need to protect our integrity, so we can’t sell as ourselves. That’s ok, we can just pretend to be other people. People who have “cracked” the system. And you know what? We can just jiggle the results so we erm I mean “they” come out on top for things like “how to make money online” or “how to beat the biggest search engine in the world” or “cracking the search engine rankings”. Ooooooo. What an evil plan.
So now we are making money online selling advertising space on our website….and on websites all over the world that we don’t even own (look how cunning – we aren’t paying anyone to advertise on their websites – our customers are paying our suppliers – oh we are so fucking clever it hurts). But we’ve created a little industry. An economy almost, and everyone wants that top spot because more people visit it. And more visitors mean hook or by crook guy gets more money from the ads that he has allowed us to place on his website. And now we are selling the way to get the top spot, incognito like…..like the Kurgen baby! Yes we are! We are making more money online than ever before. Damn we are clever little online money makers.
Quarterly reports roll by and sales are slipping. This is no good, we must stimulate our little economy. We must inject some life into our industry. I know. I have another cunning plan. And it doesn’t involve “the Black Russian” which always terrifies the clergy. Let’s pretend to change our algorithm. Shake things up a bit. O brilliant! Now we’ve created more demand. We have to sell version 2 of all those “get to the top of the search engine pile” books and vids. Mwahahahahaha we will make more money online than ever before.
We will be wealthy beyond our wildest dreams. Wait, we are!
I could do this forever. Wait. I think I will.
This light piece of internet humour has been brought to you by the commissariat of underdog cynisism.
